broken.

No matter how hard I try to deny it, my daddy is always right. Always. Whenever, I try to prove him wrong, it comes back to bite me in the butt.

The last few days have not been the easiest.... to say the least. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions along with some serious soul searching. My poor seatmates on the airplanes yesterday.... did they get some back luck drawing me to sit next to. I'm pretty sure, they didn't know what to do, as i sat there tears silently streaming down my face and me trying to talk myself out of crying and into being strong. The nice old man next to me in the four seater where I landed for the 7 hour flight kept looking over at me to see if I was ok, I think he was concerned.

I know that everything will be ok and that everything happens for a reason. I know that in the long run, these roadbumps are things that I need to experience to learn and grow as a person. I hoped the bumps would be a little different.... but we never get what we wish for, now do we? ok some of us do, and I am super happy for you all... promise. I just have to be patient.. a word I have grown to hate. An attitude I am tired of dawning. but I have to. there isn't anything else I can do. I have to wait. I'm starting to doubt the saying about good things happening to those who wait. Where has my good been? or maybe I have been waiting in the wrong place.... and doesn't that suck. I hate when I wait somewhere for a while and find out that I was wrong.

Sometimes, I just don't want to be strong. I want to be weak and vulnerable and I want someone else to say occasionally, I'll be strong for you because you have been so strong for me. But you know what I can't control that, I can't force that, I can't make someone want to feel that or say that to me. A very wise friend yesterday gave me some advice that I already knew but did not want to admit to myself. You can not worry about or focus on things you can not control, but instead have to focus on the things you can control. you.

so i forced myself not to throw up, to breathe, and talked myself out of running off the plane and home to my family and friends... and here I am back in spain waiting standby for a flight to sevilla because I am an idiot and my flight from madrid to sevilla was yesterday and I did not arrive to spain until today. Lets just hope i have hit the bottom and the only way to go in 2011 is up... I cant take any more down.